Equestria is a Playground
by falconpilot
Summary: A record of antics centered on Fleetfoot and her friends. Now with more time travel.


Note: This was published on fimfiction first.

Disclaimers: I don't own MLP and everything used here. The format of the story was inspired by David Thorne; his stories are hilarious!

...

I have met and worked with the matters of politics previously and it was dreadful in every sense of it. Most times it usually consists of ramblings for vague promises of 'life improvement' or saving refugees from Gryphus. And if all else fails, throw in their polls claiming how their counterpart in the Royal Democratic Party picks their noses with toothpicks while clicking away on their Blackberries for their latest Twitter update. While members of royalty show marginal signs of improvement, it's usually the same deal for them at meetings too. It's also the prime reason why I'm not interested in leading the Wonderbolts even if Spitfire got half of her head blown apart from a poorly constructed pipe bomb, as my brain is not programmed to handle with such complex algorithms.

Despite my status as a Wonderbolt, I still have my share of flak from everyone. Especially if it was over some shitpost I made about Prince Blueblood over the Gala incident on Facebook for a quick laugh of approval from Rarity and Spike. As I don't bother to hide behind a fake name on the internet, it is easy for the Prince himself to single me out for his love letters and embroil them in politics. If this was the definition of tough love, then his letters certainly mean it. In fact, I would probably marry him right now if it wasn't for my acute allergies to politics at any definable level.

From: Blueblood

Date: Wednesday, March 11, 2015, 10:36:57 AM

To: Fleetfoot

Subject: No Subject

What kind of a Wonderbolt calls the Prince of Equestria a 'dickweed'? For a 'professional' Wonderbolt, you surely are the opposite of that. I can't believe that Auntie's favorite flight group acts like a haggle of foul mouthed idiots. If this happened in a country like Saddle Arabia then you would have had your arse thrown in jail and quite possibly your head taken off, along with any status of the Wonderbolts you have held previously. We should have implemented laws like that to prevent retards like you from corrupting our picture in the first place.

From: Fleetfoot

Date: Wednesday, March 11, 2015, 01:41:47 PM

To: Blueblood

Subject: re: No Subject

Hello Blueblood,

Disregarding the fact that you have placed Rarity in the direct line of fire back at the Gala and slandering on Applejack's food at the same time, I am actually very much in love with you as a prince despite my post on Facebook. While other rulers tend to think of themselves as benevolent or powerful or drop-dead handsome, I like to think of you as special. Kind of like a guy so madly in love with himself that he would be willing to go as far as to kissing his own portrait in a gay bar pole dance, or eating so much in one day that he's one slice of cake away from upsetting the planet's rotational axis.

Also, I thought that royalty used more formal language than 'retard', but doing some research into politics has made me conclude that on average, politicians and royalty in Equestria talk at the level of roughly fifth grade during debates. While I am unsure on how to determine at what grade level you are speaking in your e-mail, using an online grammar checker has revealed that you would get a 57 on a 9th grade essay paper. I recently got a new graphing calculator, and by using percentages I have calculated that you are about 984% more proficient than the average fifth grader, or politician, in that matter. I am confident that if Equestria ever gets into a diplomatic crisis, your literary skills will surely level the tables in our favor.

Regards, Fleetfoot

From: Blueblood

Date: Wednesday, March 11, 2015, 03:53:11 PM

To: Fleetfoot

Subject: re: re: No Subject

Keep on dreaming smart one. For someone who thinks that they are smart, you certainly wouldn't be able to cut through butter if you were a knife. I am capable of far more sophisticated vocabulary than you can ever dream of. My point still stands however. If we should trust a window licker like you in the most professional flight team in Equestria then we might as well be using General Flash's flight suit as diaper material. Have you even remembered the oath you signed when you signed up for the Wonderbolts, or even who you are serving for? Because if you knew, you wouldn't be talking right now.

From: Fleetfoot

Date: Friday, March 11, 2015, 04:35:38 PM

To: Blueblood

Subject: re: re: re: No Subject

Dear Blueblood,

While I am certainly pleased that there are people with more advanced language proficiency than I can ever dream of, I have also read the dangers of it as well. Once, I have heard that a new Wonderbolt had the first edition of the Wonderbolts handbook fall from the bookshelf and onto his back, paralyzing from the chest down. After that incident, they completely revised the book into the second edition which removed any possible risk of paralysis, and then fine-tuned it into the third edition, which no longer needs old English and engineering dictionaries to comprehend 95% of the text. I believe the following is called 'Syntax Destruction', but with an accident like that, they might as well call it 'Spinal Destruction' to avoid becoming a Syntax Destruction itself as it gets right into the point and saves your brain from having to crunch more floating point operations than it needs.

Despite your assertions, I actually do take my task as a Wonderbolt very seriously. Especially when it involves keeping citizens or the princesses safe from cake related projectiles. While I do remember the oath I signed at joining the Wonderbolts, I am not a robot. Following that, I think we are better off questioning the logic on why we need to spend countless hours swearing our loyalty to someone whom we are already loyal to. Or not loyal to, in that matter, as an oath does not automatically change your alignment. In hindsight, the money being allocated to this could have been better off being spent on weaponizing Ponyville Elementary with Assault Rifles to fight off any incubuses emerging from the Everfree Forest.

Regards, Fleetfoot

From: Blueblood

Date: Friday, March 11, 2015, 05:02:26 PM

To: Fleetfoot

Subject: re: re: re: re: No Subject

You really don't have a clue in the world in what you are talking about do you. Swearing your loyalty means that you are an official. If you betrayed that oath it means that you are a traitor and will be persecuted appropriately. If you have so much disdain for our nation's politics then feel free to go to a repressive state like Saddle Arabia or Gryphus where they would torture you for months for committing Lèse-majesté like that. It would certainly save a lot of our tax dollars on having to raise useless wastes of air like you either way. I really want to punch you in the face.

From: Fleetfoot

Date: Friday, March 11, 2015, 07:22:06 PM

To: Blueblood

Subject: re: re: re: re: re: No Subject

Dear Blueblood,

Yes, betrayals are quite the pain when they happen. Especially when they didn't take an oath, as we would then have to be forced to use common sense to carry out the sentencing. Which apparently is unacceptable at the international level.

While I have never been to a repressive regime myself I am aware of repressiveness in general. Once, Spitfire asked me to take over her office as she was going to be absent for the day. The first thing I immediately noticed was that her name tag was super-glued onto her table. As her position is usually envied by the others, I figured out that doing so would stop a potential coup d'état dead in its tracks, or at least make the table suffer with her in the case it fails. As I did not want to be mistaken for her and steal her credit, I wrote my name on some paper and used spray adhesive to cover up her name. However, this resulted in the Black Sharpie I was using to break through the paper whilst writing down my name, and unable to find any cleaning materials I smeared some black paint onto the mark, figuring that the rest would just blend in. Of course Spitfire did not take to this too kindly and dumped the remainder of the black paint onto my head when she came back. In my blinded stupor I proceeded to dunk myself into the red paint used in a construction nearby, setting our schedule back by 2 days. It took me about a week to get all the oil based paint out of my groin areas with the help of Soarin' so it is a rather touchy subject. But at the end of the day, we learned not to fuck around with Spitfire's authority. Seriously.

Despite getting annoyed on the question of taxpayers, I understand their pain. If I realised that 40% of my income went towards a lazy slob who did nothing but eat fine cake every day, I would be pretty damn mad too. I do admit that I had to depend on welfare to sustain me for a few weeks as a con artist faked a slip and fall in the Wonderbolts Academy, which led to us being docked of our wages for that long in order to pay off the insurance companies. Feeling guilt for burdening society, I took to a routine on bathing in sand and the river to save some burden on the infrastructure and scavenging bins to ease up on the farmer's market. Apparently this is known as subsistence, which according to Fluttershy, is good for the environment as we do not take more than we need. An added bonus to this is that everyone is so appalled by my presence that no one would ask for my autograph or anything vaguely related about bedrooms. The time saved from this can then be allocated in studying methamphetamine production at the industrial level or just staring at a blank wall to count and name the floaters you see in your eyes.

Also, as the incidence of parliament fights have been increasing due to frustration at the lack of progress and the amount of new bills being stacked on top of the ones not processed, it has been decided that even using some physical exertion gets the job done faster than arguing endlessly for it. As politics has been turning into quite the bloodsport recently, I will assume that 'punching me in the face' is not a form of euphemism.

Regards, Fleetfoot

From: Blueblood

Date: Friday, March 11, 2015, 08:52:41 PM

To: Fleetfoot

Subject: re: re: re: re: re: re: No Subject

You're a total fucking idiot. Don't email me ever again.

From: Fleetfoot

Date: Friday, March 11, 2015, 09:11:28 PM

To: Blueblood

Subject: tard

ok

From: Blueblood

Date: Friday, March 11, 2015, 09:39:56 PM

To: Fleetfoot

Subject: re: tard

Fuck off

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